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contemplation [17 Apr 2007|02:09am] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | Dredg "Zebraskin" ] Is anything ever as good as your first love? If there is only one soul mate for each person...is it possible that you might never find them? Or if you have found them...what if you can't see it, or don't want to see it? What if you made a terrible mistake, or the timing was off? Maybe you weren't ready for them when you found them...and its too late to change it? I've been over it one hundred times, and I can't get the idea out of my head that maybe my first love was the only good love I'll ever be satisfied with...and no other man will ever compare to the feelings I had for that one person. and if that is so...can there be happiness in a life without love? Plainly speaking, I'm not satisfied. I doubt I'm in love, and I feel guilty about the whole thing. Relationships should never bring this much stress to my life...it should be the thing relieving my stress. Not causing it. I'm scared I'll never find what I want, or something to make me truly happy...I question things too much, and it makes me unhappy and unsure of my relationships. Then I don't know why I'm uneasy, just that I am uneasy and there is nothing I can do to correct it because I don't know the source of the problem. But should I rid myself of the cause of my angst? Or should I ride the tide and see where it takes me? It kills me to think I'm wasting my time with something I might not want...but is this the best I am going to get? He is perfect for me. So why am I the only one who can't see it? Why am I the only one who can't be happy? I feel like I've made a huge mistake...and someone is going to get hurt. I need to feel pleased, I need to feel satisfied...and I need to be happy with who I am with. Yet, all I feel is if something changed it would be perfect...but I have a feeling no matter what, maybe this isn't what I need or want. But. Would a break help? I doubt it. I have a feeling that it wouldn't. We've dug too far into the ground to come out unscathed. He would be crushed...and I would lose my best friend. But should I go on being lost and confused? Maybe rushing into this was a bad idea...I find myself wishing I was somewhere else, and with someone else. You always want what you can't have. So how is it fair to be with one person, yet wish another was around? There are times things are great...but others I just long for what I once had. Am I doomed to never find what I want in love? Time alone might help this confusion...but would there be a future for us without us staying together? Should I even be thinking all of this? Is this normal? I don't know anymore. All I know is I want to be completely sure of everything, not second guessing the one who treats me like I'm a princess. I need to be myself...but can I be myself without him? 1 comment|post comment

really old journal entry [20 Feb 2007|11:54pm] [ mood | drained ] yes, I realize its been almost a year singe I've updated. deal. as stupid as this sounds...I'm a huge fan of archiving my journal postings. This is an entry from like 2 years ago that I posted on my old myspace, but I'm deleting the account and decided I wanted to keep this entry for sentimental value. or just to laugh at it looking back on that day.    Monday, June 27, 2005 one of those days you wish you could erase Current mood: worried   AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! This is a day where I run out of my house, look up at the stars...and wave my big fucking middle finger to the sky. "FUCK YOU GOD" I would say...if I could. If I could I would erase tonight... Tonight was the most random and improbable sequence of events that has ever occured in my life...and it has ended with someone very special to me getting hurt by words I had said years ago when I never meant for them to see them (or have my computer freak out and post them on the internet)...or for them to feel the way they do....it is completely unfair...and I wish I could say or do something to fix things, but as I have realized.... There is NOTHING i can say or do that will make anything better right now. Rational and clear thought, and a proper explanation is the only decent solution...all of which we are both not in the right state of mind to even attempt to conquer at this point. I have come to realize that technology is the murderer of relationships as we know it. A technological glich, and a sister who thought it was a funny joke, were the only causes of the events that occured tonight...an innocent prank has almost torn two people apart...and for that I apologize to that one person who has to suffer with that prank. I am left with a situation I cannot control or fix. I feel completely helpless and I hate it. But at the same time, how could I ever mend a wrong that I had no control over? I feel utterly lost and in a state of shock...and I cannot believe this could have ever happened. Nothing is making sense...but I guess there is no turning back, and I'll have to deal with whatever comes next... Either way: No matter who is to blame...this is something I alone must mend. But for now, there is nothing I can do, or say that will mend this problem...and only time will tell if this can ever be fixed.   To that one person: There is no explanation I can give that would completely clear up this mess...it is all just ONE HUGE MISUNDERSTANDING that should have never occured in the first place. I truly apologize for what you have gone through because of my stupidity in forgeting to delete an away message from my past that should have never been posted on the internet. I wish there was something I could say to make it better...but we both know there isn't. Just know that I am through with him, I have not talked to him since april, and that away message was never meant to be broadcasted on the internet. I'm sorry my past has come to haunt you once again...you don't deserve to be feeling this way. I'm sorry I did not do all I could to prevent this. Even so...just know, that I would never lie to you...and I did not lie to you tonight. This event occured because of a freak accident and a prank that was not of my own accord. I wish it had never happened...but there is nothing I can do now... I have told you the truth, and nothing but the truth...and it is up to you to choose to believe me. Just know that I would never do something to intentionally hurt you...and I hope you can see this. To lose you over something that was nothing more than a freak accident would be nothing less than a tragedy. And even if you choose to ignore me or not believe me...know that I do love you, and everything I have ever told you and felt has been completely sincere... "I wish I could prove I love you, I wish I could prove I care, but does that mean I have to walk on water...and drown in the thin air..." Although none of this has been fair, or even probable...I am praying that time will heal the wounds this day has created... For now...I'm taking sleeping pills and going to bed. There is no other way I am going to get any sleep tonight...and life must go on tomorrow morning...come whatever may. Everything happens for a reason...either this is a test, or a sign...but whatever it is, it has occured, and I am going to need alot of strength to deal with it. At least it is another reassurance of my feelings for him... Sleep and time is the only thing that will bring rational thought back to my brain. I am crossing fingers, and praying with every breath in my body that this will work out... "Reality is for those who have lost all hope and imagination..." post comment

You know you're from BERLIN When: [31 Mar 2006|09:41am] [ music | "Sing for Absolution" Muse ] You know you’re from Berlin when: 1. You refer to yourself as a Berlinite 2. For years you talked about leaving, and when you actually did you wanted to come back 3. Your standing in line at DQ on the first day it opens in March 4. You go to the Berlin fair 2 out of the 3 days at least 5. When you were younger you went to the Memorial/Percival pool everyday 6. You remember Foodmart, not A&P Super Foodmart 7. You hate Stop and Shop and what they did to Lower Lane 8. You know every Berlin cop hiding spot 9. You know at least half of the Berlin Police Department 10. A relative of yours works for the town 11. Your remember video bug and Chet, and how he always gave you free candy 12. Woolworth’s was the department store of Berlin 13. You remember when the pet store burned down, and you cried 14. You know Ragged Mountain is a great party spot 15. You’ve been to a house party that’s been broken up by the police 16. You go to the Upbeat picnic every year and eat a free hot dog 17. You can’t go to Foodmart or Citgo without seeing at least 3 people you know 18. You remember Community Drug as the only drug store in town 19. You remember when there was a Friendly’s in town 20. You called Country Farms for a grinder and escaped from school to go pick it up 21. You’ve been to Dons (Berlin Fare Restaurant) at least once in your life 22. You marched in the Memorial Day parade 23. You hate McGee, and Sorenson was the devil 24. You still own your t-shirt from Ragatta Day 25. You still wear your T-shirt with your classmates signatures on them from 5th grade 26. “Officer Drew” was your D.A.R.E teacher 27. You know that Upbeat is the Devil, but you joined it so that it would look good on your college applications 28. You’ve almost died on “dead man’s curve” 29. You know what car everyone drives and you honk at them when you pass them on the road 30. There’s a farm within a mile of your house 31. You hang out on “The Pike” on Friday and Saturday nights…and you go no faster than 50 mph 32. You’ve been to a Bon fire party 33. You know where Svea Road is 34. You know where the hidden stop sign is on Orchard Road 35. A tractor has had to pull you out of the mud at the Berlin Fair parking lot 36. You remember the cow crossing on lower Lane and hated waiting for the damn cows to cross 37. You’ve been stuck behind a tractor on Farmington Ave or any other main road 38. You know the two main roads in Berlin are Farmington Ave and Lower Lane 39. New Britain is the Ghetto 40. Jack was the bomb and let you get away with everything 41. Your parents has teachers you had/have 42. Everyone learned how to drive from Mr. Miller or Mr. Reed 43. Your family has resided in Berlin at least 20 years 44. You know where everyone lives 45. You can drive Toll Gate blindfolded 46. When you’ve worked at either Subway, Foodmart, Kensington Market, Dairy Queen, or Mickey Finns 47. You remember the Willard/Griswold fights as to who’s better (or you are still currently fighting about it) 48. When you travel Rt. 9 at least 4 times a week 49. You have nightmares about Mrs. Lucko (spelling??) 50. People chill in their garages for fun (and drink) 51. You still go to the park to swing 52. You’ve been stopped at the park after midnight by cops 53. You’re completely comfortable going out and leaving your back door unlocked 54. You think nothing bad ever happens in Berlin…Someone was robbed, WHAT?!?! 55. You see someone of a different race and say, where are they from?? 56. You buy a Christmas tree from the Kiwanis Club 57. You’ve put pennies on the train tracks and thought it was fun 58. You’ve chilled at Silver Lake with your friends or a sports team 59. You go to the Home coming game no matter what you had to do that night 60. Every Thursday morning instead of going to period Y you slept in then went to Dunkin Donuts 61. A coffee from Dunkin will get you out of anything in the high school 62. You wrote your own dismissals or reused the pink pieces of paper 63. You know Miss. pliss and the school nurses well 64. You hate the office bitches at Berlin High 65. You know where George Washington Slept one night on the Ridge 66. Bread sticks and Cheese sticks was the best lunch ever 67. You remember the words and hand motions to Mr. Sandman (Willard people, I know) 68. You’re proud that your town hall is the exact center of Connecticut…and you brag about it 69. You remember the Villa bar at the end of Lower Lane 70. You ate at Millstone dinner at least once a month 71. You refer to Meridan Mall as "Our Mall" Finally, you know you’re from Berlin when the entire time you read this you said “OMG yes!!!” HAHA TOO FUNNY!!! :) 2 comments|post comment

GAH!! [30 Mar 2006|09:37pm] [ mood | indescribable ] [ music | southpark in the background ] I stand up for myself...he gets upset. I apologize, he gets upset. I call later to try and make things better, didn't really work...well only a little....but I feel so apathetic towards everything...hope things are better tomorrow. I know they will be, I just don't want this stupid fight to get any more blown out of preportion than it already has. I wish it had never started in the first place. Serves me right for not being understanding. I was so pugnaciously ready to defend my stance on this issue, that I didn't even think of what he really wanted...and didn't even appreciate him trying to include me more in his daily life and with things that are important to him.  I'm glad I said what I did, but next time...i'll try to look at it from everyone's angle, and to understand why he asked me to hang out with his frat in the firstplace. Talking in circles is retarded...that's all I really did tonight and so instead of trying to explain exactly what was said...I'm gonna let Jonathan Larson do it for me. here are the lyrics to a selection from the song "Therapy" from Tick...Tick...BOOM! SUSAN: Are you saying we can't talk? JONATHAN: Are you saying we are not talking? SUSAN: What are you saying? JONATHAN: What are you saying? I'm saying I feel bad, that you feel bad About me feeling bad, about you feeling bad About what I said, about what you said About me not being able to share a feeling SUSAN: If I thought that what you thought Was that I hadn't thought about sharing my thoughts Then my reaction to your reaction To my reaction Would have been more revealing JONATHAN: I was afraid that you'd be afraid If I told you that I was afraid of intimacy If you don't have a problem with my problem Maybe the problem is simply co-dependency SUSAN: Yes I know that now you know That I didn't know that you didn't know That when I said "No" I meant "Yes, I know" And that now I know that you knew That you knew you adored me JONATHAN: I was wrong to SUSAN: Say you were wrong to JONATHAN: Say I was wrong about SUSAN: You being wrong JONATHAN: When you meant to say that SUSAN: The ring was the wrong thing to bring JONATHAN: If I meant what I said When I said rings bore me JONATHAN AND SUSAN: I'm not mad that you got mad that I got mad When you said I should go drop dead JONATHAN: If I were you when I'd done what I'd done And I'd do what you did when I gave you the ring Having said what I said JONATHAN: I feel bad, that you feel bad About me feeling bad, about you feeling bad About what I said, about what you said About me not being able to share a feeling I thought you're gonna reacted shallowly When I reacted to you I'm not mad You got mad Go drop dead If I were you when I'd done what I'd done And I'd do what you did when I gave you the ring Having said what I said SUSAN: I feel badly about you Feeling badly about me Feel badly about you If I thought that what you thought Was that I hadn't thought about sharing my thoughts Then my reaction to your reaction To my reaction Would have been more revealing I'm not mad that you got mad that I got mad When you said I should go drop dead... THE END!!! I love you baby, sorry for being so...i dont even know. post comment

fighting my battle against apathy [30 Mar 2006|01:29am] [ mood | frustrated ] [ music | "I'll Follow You Into the Dark" DeathCab for Cutie ] wow, it has seriously been like 3 months since I last updated this thing. I couldn't even remember my password for the account. Sad. hopefully I'll try to update more, I've just been so crazy busy that I don't even know what day it is anymore, and I'm about to pull my hair out with all this bullshit I'm dealing with...but besides that... it's time a for a venting session...I'm sure more of these will follow, but this is just one I am using to get things off my chest to the point where I am not so internally worked up and can actually sleep tonight...so it will be a short one (not that it appears this way). Is it wrong to be angry or jealous of the time the people I care about spend with others? When is the ever so unclear line of turning into the jealous girlfriend crossed? Is it wrong to feel that I deserve more time and energy than I am given? When is it right to be upset and jealous? Should I just pretend things don't bother me and forget about them? I hate to write about this in here, I really do...but because I lack the drive to go out and purchase an actual journal, as well as the fact that I would end up being too lazy to write in it everynight, and it would soon end up gathering dust in a drawer somewhere with it's last entry being its first...I guess this is the only place I can vent about this. It's not like most people read it. I love my boyfriend, and he is sooooo amazing to me, really he is... but there are times that I feel like he never pays any attention to me, or has any time to even call me to see how I'm doing. I understand this is a distance relationship, and I understand that he has his own life and alot of homework to do (not that i'm critisizing...I completely understand that) but there are times I feel he puts other things besides homework higher in his priorities than me. It sucks that his fraternity sometimes comes before me...it's turning into a pattern and it really hurts my feelings. I understand he is living with them...but it's really hard for girl to go online and find all these pictures of him and his frat brothers partying with all these chicks on campus. It's sad...when I see things like this...I immediately turn into the jealous girlfriend, and immediately think of every girl who is in the pictures with my boyfriend and his frat as a whore... I know this isn't true, I KNOW IT ISN'T...but it's hard to not get jealous. It is the hardest thing in the world. I know he wont cheat on me...but it's hard to see him partying with all these girls and having a good time. Is it wrong to be jealous of that? I guess I just need the fairytale sometimes...its ok to not have it all the time, but when I'm constantly made to feel like I am just a friend, or the typical girlfriend...its hard to be happy with myself. I know it sounds ridicuously petty, and I shudder as I type it... but I need to feel like a princess everyonce in a while...and I hate admitting that. I need a guy to make me feel he feels he is lucky to have me as his girlfriend. I need that! When all I feel is as if he thinks of me as one of his friends (who he is in love with...but that's besides the point) it makes me feel like I don't deserve the "princess" treatment. I feel that I am an amazing person (which I know sounds ridiculously modest...but when it boils down to it, I guess I can believe it), and an amazing girlfriend...and any guy should be happy to have me. I know he feels this...but is it petty to want a reminder everyonce in a while...? Is it too much to ask? I feel so stupid and petty for writing this entry...I really do. The attention whore and diva has gotten the best of me this early hour of the morning... I just hate whining and sounding like I am never satisfied. THat is not the truth at all, but when you never see your significant other...I guess you are more in need of that reassurance of your importance to them than you would if you were with them everyday. I hope if he ever reads this that he thinks I am not just bitching, or being "high school" as we say...I'm just a little bit frustrated. It happens. I am jealous, and I am needy...two things I'm not necessarily proud of...but at the same time, I cover these aspects of myself up so much, that it is really hard to deal with when I bottle up all my jealousness... and tonight it exploded in my face. at least it was able to be let out in this format...other than on someone who doesn't deserve my nagging and jealous rants. im in love with a man who fears commitment...it becomes difficult to deal with at times. I hate to say I need someones reassurance to feel beautiful and wanted... but there are times I do. I hate feeling so unworthy of peoples attention just because I am so needy of it sometimes. Makes me feel like less of a person... I shouldn't need your reassurance, and it frustrates me that I do sometimes... 4 comments|post comment

just a little something to remember... [10 Dec 2005|01:12pm] [ mood | contemplative ] [ music | "Stellar" Incubus ] As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Read this somewhere...thought I'd share. Thankful for what I have found in my life, with people, places, and memories... and I wouldn't change I thing. I love you...<3 post comment

Random conversations of the wifey's for lifey [05 Dec 2005|09:29pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | "Ilinoise" Sufjan Stevens ] I love Vanessa...I am so happy and greatful we have become so close. I completely confind in her, and I know she is the same way with me. I am so lucky to have come across a person who not only listens and appreciates me, but truly TRULY understands me...and parts of me most people can't even begin to understand, or parts of me that most people brush by with out a glance...no, not vanessa, she can see through everything I say. There are times we can sit in the same room, without saying a word, and have an entire conversation. We just get each other, and thats the coolest, and greatest thing EVER!! So after that lovely intro...my vanessa and I were discussin this break. For those of you who don't know, I am not going straight home after I finish my finals next week. Instead, I am driving to Jersey that evening...where Rich, Vanessa, and Matt will be waiting for me. Vanessa then started talking about how all she can think about is how awesome its gonna be to have us all back together...it feels like a reunion in a way, and that's crazy. We all seem to have gone our separate ways...but its always back to each other. thats unbelieveable. I never really had a tight nit group of friends in high school...and to even think that I have 2(maybe even 3) other people who all know, love, and respect each other as much as I do to them...that is the best feeling ever. Especially to this girl who never had that circle of friends. I love both of them dearly. I have grown to know and understand them, and I cannot wait to spend time with them again. We just understand each other, and get along beyond belief. And although I am not as close to matt as they both are, maybe someday I will be. I am totally welcoming his friendship... Theyre the group I've longed to find...a man I love, possibly his best friend, and the girl who knows me like the back of my hand. Awesome. And after having a semi weird and lonely semester down here in Virginia...I cannot wait to go back to my comfort zone...and feel like myself again in their company. To not have to worry about what I say, or how I act, or have to fight for every single thing I know I want and deserve...these people just accept me for who I am, and don't judge me for anything (well almost anything) I choose to do. And to have that safe haven...is something I've always needed. I hope to be able to keep them in my lives, no matter how far the distance between us. and I hope to be able to keep vanessa as a lifelong friend... and she's completely right...we're such an amazing group, and we all just fit together in a way I can't even figure out. And to think about spending most of my break, and possibly the rest of my life, with the friends, and love, I have grown to know and love...is the best feeling ever. We may go on a road trip...that would be awesome. I've always wanted to do that, and who else would I want to do that with but them. But I know when I get my week set up at my cape house, they will be the first people I invite to stay there... that would be amazing. this is so exciting...I can't wait to see them all, and to have the best vacation ever. EVER!!!! I love my vanessa I love my richard and I can't wait to get to know and love matt as much as they do. friends are only as far away as you let them be...and if I had my way. I'd keep them as close to me as my own heart and we all know that is wicked close. love you guys 11 DAYS till FUNTIMES in JERSEY!!!! <3amelia post comment

[04 Dec 2005|11:54pm] [ mood | loved ] [ music | "Shadows" Lizbeth ] Just when you think no one appreciates the little things you do for them... something like this is said to you: PsychoDragonJoe7: just wanted to say PsychoDragonJoe7: thanks Nillanem624: aww why? PsychoDragonJoe7: for the inexplicably profound way you've impacted my life simply by my knowing you amazing...joey is one of my most amazing friends, even if we never see each other. It's amazing how close you can get to a person just by listening to them. Makes me feel glad to be the way I am, and to always be there for others...makes me feel good to know I have an effect on people's wellbeing. thanks joey, my macdaddy...you don't know how much u've improved my day. love forever and always, your ghostly friend banquo   PS: Mommy said I can go to Jersey for Christmas!!!!! YAY!!! Now I'm super happy!!!! ok, makeup morgue time... and now I'm depressed. jk Countdowns: 11 days till jersey 20 days till Christmas in Jersey 11 days till break!!! I love my friends I love my wifey for lifey and I love someone very special post comment

Countdowns UPDATED!!! [01 Dec 2005|01:43am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | xmas music on the tv ] CLASS COUNTDOWNS: It's the Home Stretch PEOPLE!! Jazz Classes: 3 Theory Classes Left: eh however many I decide to go to Performance Forums: 3 Lyc Dic classes: 3 Voice Lessons: 2 Acting Classes: 5 Ballet Classes: 3 Stage Lighting Classes: 3 Piano Classes: 3 Cantus Rehearsals: 3 Stage Makeup Classes: 2 That is just FABULOUS!!!!! Another Countdown: Days Till Last Day of Class: 12!!! Days Till Winter Break: 16!! Days Till I see Rich<3: 16!!! Days Till My Wifey Vanessa's Bday: 9! Days Till Kasey/Lauren's Xmas Extravaganza: 11!! Days Till Opera is Over: 4! Days Till Lessons/Carols is Over: 4! Days Till Alex's 19th Birthday: 24!! Days Till XMAS in Jersey with Rich<3: 25!! Days Till Chanukah: 25!:-) This makes me so happy you have NO IDEA!! Finals Schedule As Of Yet: Thursday 12/8: Ballet 2 9-10am Tuesday 12/13: Stage Lighting 10:30-12:30pm, Piano Jury1-3pm, Cantus 3:30-5:30pm  Wednesday 12/14: Jazz 2 8-10am, Stage Makeup 1-3pm, VOCAL JURY 5:06pm  Thursday 12/15: No Finals!! I'll be packing to go to jersey  Friday 12/16: Acting 10:30-12:30pm, Lyric Diction 1-3pm HURRAY...at least that's all settled can't wait for break and I can't wait to see everyone especially one person<3 night!! <3amers 2 comments|post comment

oh my goodness... [29 Nov 2005|01:04pm] [ mood | crazy ] [ music | "La Vie Boheme" Rent ] I couldn't fit this in my away message...so being the tool I am, I'm posting it here. CLASS COUNTDOWNS: It's the Home Stretch PEOPLE!! Jazz Classes: 4 Theory Classes Left: eh however many I decide to go to Performance Forums: 3? Lyc Dic classes: 4 Voice Lessons: 2 Acting Classes: 6 Ballet Classes: 3 Stage Lighting Classes: 3 Piano Classes: 3 Cantus Rehearsals: 4 Stage Makeup Classes: 2 That is just FABULOUS!!!!! Another Countdown: Days Till Last Day of Class: 12!!! Days Till Winter Break: 18!! Days Till I see Rich<3: 18!!! Days Till My Wifey Vanessa's Bday: 10! Days Till I May Possibly Be Seeing Movin' Out: 11!! (Which Would Change the Days Till I See Rich to 10!!) Days Till Kasey/Lauren's Xmas Extravaganza: 12!! Days Till Opera is Over: 5! Days Till Lessons/Carols is Over: 5! Days Till Alex's 19th Birthday: 25!! Days Till XMAS in Jersey with Rich<3: 26!! Days Till Chanukah: 26!:-) This makes me so happy you have NO IDEA!! Finals Schedule As Of Yet: Thursday 12/8: Ballet 2 9-10am Tuesday 12/13: Stage Lighting 10:30-12:30pm, Piano (if jury not changed) 1-3pm, Cantus Choir 3:30-5:30pm  Wednesday 12/14: Jazz 2 8-10am, Stage Makeup 1-3pm Thursday 12/15: No Finals as of yet!! Friday 12/16: Acting 10:30-12:30pm, Lyric Diction 1-3pm Vocal Jury is yet to be scheduled...hopefully that will be on Thursday Class Schedule for Next Semester: Music Theory 101- Monday-Thursday 10-11am Performance Forum- Monday and Wednesday 11am-12pm Acting II- Monday, Wednesday, Friday 1-2pm Jazz 3- Monday and Wednesday 2:30-3:20pm Ballet 2- Tuesday and Thursday 9-10am Stage Craft- Tuesday and Thursday 11-12pm Piano II- Tuesday and Thursday 2-3pm Cantus Singers- Tuesday and Thursday 4-6pm Tap 4- Friday 9-10:50am Voice Lessons: TBA Stage Craft Lab: TBA Production Placement: TBA AND I'm Spent... Can't wait to see my baby, can't wait to be done with this semester, and I can't wait for Winter Break...and the amazingness that will follow. I love my rich<3 off to class:-) post comment

[21 Nov 2005|04:41am] [ mood | giddy ] [ music | "Such Great Heights" The Postal Service ] a very good friend wrote this in her journal... and I thought it perfectly described not only all of the things she wasnt willing to admitt about herself it also perfectly describes the things i am afraid to admitt. so here it goes... i'm a romantic realist. a drama-loathing hypocrite. i bluff. i am woman, therefore i hate myself most of the time. i over empathize with others. i try to see every side of a situation, from others' perspectives. i measure my worth by how people see me. i know that am wrong to do that. i constantly fear betrayal. i don't like large groups of people and the artificial air we all breathe. light conversation makes me nauseaus. i talk to myself. sometimes it's in broken french. i project potential outcomes to every situation before making decisions. but sometimes i can't fight impulses. i suppress guilt and depression. i am a neat-freak but i will wear the same pair of pants for weeks and go a day without showering. i love sex. i fear sex. i fear being used for sex. i fall in love with intelligence. a man's mind is his sexiest appeal. sometimes i have crushes on girls and that can be awkward. i am jealous of any girl that is similar to myself. i am racist. i judge. i suppress those judgements. i am smarter than i give myself credit for, i underestimate myself and i don't work to my potential. i prefer to dream. i prefer to chase. i am only happy when i feel safe, loved and desired. (i am only human.) i obsess over my weight too much. i am frightened by violent anger. i don't understand it. i think too much especially when i smoke. i walk behind or to the side of groups of people, i hate walking in chorus lines. i am still just as conceited as i was when i was a little girl, but i hide it better. i help people because i like seeing them feel better. i keep in touch with very few long-distance friends only those who i understand and who understand me. i get myself in trouble when i try to understand everything sometimes i wish i didn't know things that i know, i wouldn't worry so much. i would rather be outside. i can't help wanting to make people laugh. everything is perfect if i want it to be. i fear being inadequate. there it is...it's me and vanessa in a nutshell i love my vanessa<3 and my richard<3 post comment

amazing... [12 Nov 2005|01:13am] [ mood | content ] [ music | "Only Living Boy in New York" Simon and Garfunkle ] I love Garden State...it is by far one of my all time favorite movies ever. and it always seems to make me realize a few things about my life specifically about how much I truly do care for the people I have come in contact with and all my amazing friends, who I am beyond blessed and priveledged to know. I'm beginning to realize how much NYC truly is my home... and how much I miss CT and how much I miss everyone from New York... NYC, you are my home...and I'll always be back I miss one of the dearest people to me ever, and I'm lost with out her and I'm lost without him vanessa I love you...you're my sunshine and rich, I love you...you're my everything So I'm sitting alone in my dorm room hair pulled back day old makeup on my face pj pants on my legs and an old black teeshirt... I just watched one of the best movies ever and I for once have complete silence and a room to myself and honestly, I've never felt more content or happy... and maybe its just the movie's after effects or the fact that I'm beginning to realize that I have almost everything I want right now... title or no title... I could care less but I know that the way I feel for this boy is something beyond anything I've ever felt for anyone else in my life it's a bit scary at times... but as each day goes by I'm beginning to realize that he is definitely someone I could see myself with for the rest of my life... I'm not saying marriage, but it's really something I can't explain...and I really don't want to find a definition for it I know how I feel, I can't explain it, or know why but it's how I feel...and that is the most justifying thing to be able to realize youre exact feelings...no matter what the outcome when I dream I dream of him and when I smile... it's for him and I'm seeing him in less than a week...and I'm beyond excited and I'm also seeing my sunshine vanessa which is something I'm very happy about... so I'm sitting here...thinking of thursday, and how I'm going to be with 2 of the most important people in my life... and I can't stop smiling... I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and even with the barely there makeup the undone hair and the less than appealing clothing... I've never felt more beautiful than I do at this very moment... and for me to even use the word beautiful in a sentence about me is something beyond crazy... but I like this newfound self awareness. I'm done with comparing myself to others(well as much as I can be done with it) and as much as I don't mean to sound like a stuck up bitch but I am a beautiful and caring human being... I have the love of a wonderful and amazing man the blessed love of an undescribable family and the absolute greatest and most dear friends in the world... and no matter what happens... I'm content in knowing that and this newfound beauty is an amazing feeling its nice to not think you see the absolute ugliest piece of crap when you look in the mirror... beautiful its so simple a word yet it causes so many different emotions and I'm overwhelmed in happiness I'm beginning to see myself the way I should be seen through the eyes of a man who loves me... and I've never felt more beautiful, content, or overjoyed in my life... I love you... I'm completely content...no matter how far away I am from you because I know you feel the exact same way I do about you and it makes me feel so safe... and so very very beautiful...<3 5 comments|post comment

my mommy is so silly [31 Oct 2005|11:15pm] [ mood | geeky ] [ music | Your Mom...well actually silence... ] My mommy is amazing...and she sends me emails that make me laugh and smile...so I'm going to share this one with you...it's quite clever: These are the laws of the natural universe:    ~ Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your  nose will begin to itch.    ~ Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least  accessible corner.    ~ Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy  signal.    ~ Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you  had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.    ~ Variation Law: If you change lines or traffic lanes, the one you were in  will start to move faster than the one you are in now.    ~ Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.    ~ Law of Lines: When you walk IN the grocery store, there's never anyone in  the checkout line.    ~ Inverse Hair Dryer Law: You're sure you hear the phone ringing in the  background, until you turn the hair dryer off.    ~ Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know  increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.    ~ Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't  work, it will.    ~ Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional  to the reach.    ~ Theater Law: At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the  aisle arrive last.    ~ Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss  will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.    ~ Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room,  they will have adjacent lockers.    ~ Law of Natural Attraction: If you and your date are the only two on a  five-mile stretch of beach, the family of five will set up right next to  you.    ~ Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich  landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness  and cost of the carpet/rug.    ~ Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.    ~ Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you  are talking about.    ~ Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.    ~ Law of the Last Word: "Hey, watch this!"    I <3 my mommy...she's so silly!! <3me 4 comments|post comment

I love procrastinating [28 Oct 2005|01:30am] [ mood | dorky ] [ music | "All if full of Love" Deathcab for Cutie ] I have the most fun when I'm procrastinating homework. I'm feeling much more hopeful that my life here at Shenandoah won't feel so damn lost...and I feel like I'm making some really good friends, and tonight was the hardest I've laughed since I was at Wagner during fall break. I found this, while procrastinating, in my dear friend christina's Livejournal...she didn't write it, and I dont know who did, but I feel I should share it with all of you(meaning the two people who actually read this thing...) I think More then anything All women want is for a man to prove all the bad things about men wrong We want it to be shown that there are good guys out there More then anything we want to know that someone can see the things we think and takes the time to notice Half smiles, geting excited over the smallest things, a glow, a sparkle More then anything we want to know that our mistakes dont make us bad More then anything, we want it to be clear that there is someone out there who would rather die then hurt us We're not asking for much Just the fairytale -author unknown How true is that? It is pretty much exactly how we girls feel...we don't look for boyfriends...we look for perfect husbands, and that's what is getting us in trouble. But maybe the fairytale is finally coming true for me...even if it's only for this year, or for this week, or whatever...I don't really care. All I know is I haven't been this happy since the summer...and it's so justifying to know that he feels exactly the same way about me as I do for him, and to know that his newfound investment in this "relationship" we have is just as strong and deep as mine is...which is impossible for me to believe ever. and he's driving 4 hours to visit me for two days next weekend...and I couldn't be more excited.  I can't believe someone would sacrifice their time and gas just to visit me, but I am so appreciative and happy. Before, I felt onesided in this relationship...but I really think we've grown up so much since the last time we were together... and just realized how much we truly mean to each other, and our exact feelings for each other and just how to handle this intense of a reality and situation. I feel really appreciated, and truly loved. I'm so happy he's willing to come visit me...and it's not just me who is putting in the effort this time. I am such a dork, but I don't care.... from the outside looking in, you can't understand it...from the inside looking out, you can't explain it... I don't know many things, but I know I love you baby... thank you for being so amazing... love, your loser 1 comment|post comment

hmmmm interesting. [26 Oct 2005|10:25pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] [ music | Becka playing fall out boy in the background ] So recently, as I've expressed in previous entries....I am feeling super out of place here. I am desperately searching for that one group of people who just understand me that is just seemingly impossible to find. I constantly feel like everything I say is taken the wrong way, and every joke I make...that friends at home would understand, everyone here interprets my overly sarcastic tone as me being a bitch, or me being rude and insulting...and not the way I actually intended it. I don't understand why people don't see me as likeable...I bend over backwards to make everyone happy...yet still I seem to be pissing people off. But then Louise said something to me tonight that made the most sense that anything has made to me in a long long time... "Amelia, you're an amazing person...but you really expect too much out of people..." and it's so true. I really do expect too much from people. I expect perfection from everyone...just as I expect it from myself. And that's unreasonable...not only for me, but especially for the people I expect it from. I hold everyone to the same standards as myself, which are standards that are remarkably off the charts and uncompletely and impossibly reachable. I expect people to do just as I would for them, and I expect them to study as hard, love as deeply, hold themselves to higher standards, and to ultimately bend over backwords for others...just as I would for them. and it is really hard to know that most people aren't as willing to give up their life for another human being. And I can't expect them to drop their responsibilities on a dime if I was in need, although if they needed me...I would be more than willing to give up my sleep and time for them. But I guess I just need to learn that everyone is not as insane as me, or as willing to make sacrifices for me...and maybe, just maybe... They really do care about me as much as I care about them...but just bending over backwords isn't their way of showing it. Maybe a simple hello, and a hug in the hallway is their way...instead of my way of self sacrifice. I'm learning...and I'm hoping people will open up more to the person I truly am, and leave their preconcieved notions at the door. I can't expect people to be able to live up to my preconcieved impossible expectations...and I can't expect them to be as willing to open up to me as I am to them. Things will be better...and I'm sure down the road I will be very glad that I decided to come here. I just need to look past the high school grudges, and the immature annoyances. In time the pros will weigh out the cons...no matter how much I miss wagner, this is where I truly need to be. and if my wagner friends can't see that, then i guess they'll have to deal, I didnt make this decision for them...I made it for me. And I'm not saying they are complaining...it's more me the one who wants to be back there then them bitching at me for leaving. They are honestly happy I'm pursuing my goals...and for that I am very happy they can be proud of me, as much as I miss them dearly and everything will end up exactly how it needs to be... if I'm meant to have someone in my life, they will be there...no matter how big or small. and I'll always be the one willing to bend over backwords for a friend...and I hope to god that people down here eventually see that, and that they appreciate it, even if they aren't willing or able to do it themselves. all I want is to find my place...and for people to understand who I am, no matter if they like it or not. and to defeat this awful first impression I have apparently given certain people here. All I need is the chance to prove it wrong. And I apologize for not being perfect, but as always I am still trying to learn...and to get to a point where I can finally understand myself...and allow you to see me for me. love always, me 4 comments|post comment

:( [26 Oct 2005|02:08am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | "Time of Your Life" Green Day ] Tonight is just one of those times where I want nothing more then to be back at wagner...on my floor, with my roommate amanda, and being surrounded by the most amazing people I have ever known. This whole week, as much as I love it here, all I've wanted to do is just go back to Wagner. Just as if I never left. And I can't, and I won't allow myself to. But it gets harder and harder each day to not miss you...and to pretend that I'd not rather be there. Maybe it's just the cold weather getting to me...but I just don't feel like I belong here. Everyone has the cemented group of friends, everyone has their place...and I'm just completely lost, tagging along for whatever ride may present itself. and again...I feel as though I am just running through the motions of my day, getting through each week, making it to the weekend when I don't have to think about all this crap I have to do, and when I have to do it by. It really does suck being a transfer student... you're not a freshman... but you have to start out all over again. you've missed out on an entire year of bonding, and you have to throw yourself into anything to get noticed. I can't find any friendship remotely close to what I had last year with any of my wagner kids. And it only makes me miss you guys more. I'm not appreciated here the way I was back in NYC, and as always, I don't really feel like anyone, no matter how close I am to them, really knows me for who I am here...at least not the way you do and it terribly upsets me. I'm lost...half of me wants to stick it out, and see how I feel when things come to pass...while the other half already has all the bags packed on a one way ticket back to life at wagner. To all my loves from the wag: You can't even imagine how much I truly and terribly miss you right now...it hurts so bad to not have you in my daily lifes, or to be able to walk up to your door just to say hi... Everything has changed...and nothing has changed at all. I love and miss you all very very very very very very very much.... and all I want to do is be with you and to be there for you Vanessa, Megan, Lauren, Amanda, Rich, Brent, all the OX boys, and especially my amazing and beautiful sisters...thank you so much for being such amazing friends to me... I love you with all my heart, and it's breaking more and more each day I'm not able to be there for you a part of me will always be there with you... and a part of me will always wish I really could be there, and it makes me very very sad. I LOVE YOU!!!! Can't wait to see you all again...even if it's only for a brief moment. <3amelia suzanne nemeth 2 comments|post comment

the good news...and then the bad news.... [19 Oct 2005|11:20pm] [ mood | with myself ] [ music | "Burn" Sensefield ] So apparently...I suck at life again, but that will be the main focus of the latter part of the entry. But for now, I'm going to make you smile...then I'll get to the ugly stuff. *Sigh* So here it goes...this weekend was the best weekend I've had since before I left for school. It was fall break for us 'Doahers, so I decided instead of going home to CT, I'd visit my wagner kids since I was beginning to terribly miss them, and I was in need of some fun, and not a boring weekend of me sitting at my computer at home because all my friends from CT already had their fall break. So to make a long story short... The commute to Wagner sucked...my car ride out to the metro station to get into DC was nothing but stressful, I had to figure out a brand new metro system in like 5 minutes, the train ride was super long and got us into NYC late, the subways were all underconstruction and completely fucked up, so messed up that I finally gave up and hailed a cab to the ferry so I wouldn't be stuck sitting around for another hour at 2 in the morning to get on the next ferry, and to top it all off, this creepy guy at the ferry terminal wouldnt stop hitting on me.... But ALAS, I finally got to Wagner College, the home of many wonderful memories and many of my amazingly awesome friends, at 2:25am Saturday morning. *sigh* So I meet up with my sorority sisters and we have a 5 minute reunion before we head up to the party on the theta chi floor...exactly where Rich was going to be. I was fucking nervous...I had no clue what to expect, at all. Part of me thought he would want nothing to do with me, and the other part was just hoping for the best so this weekend wouldn't be completely ruined by my ex. So we head up to the floor, and to my suprise...I get this HUGE warm welcome. I was so suprised...apparently I was terribly missed by alot of the people at my last school...and it made me feel really special that they were happy I was there. I was expecting everyone to forget about me, but apparently, they missed me as much as I missed them...and about 20 people came up to me and gave me hugs. But Rich was no where to be found...so I took a look around, gave up, and went into Chewey's room to enjoy what was left of this crazy long night. And to make a very long story short...everyone was pretty trashed, or stoned, or whatever, and we all started drawing on each other under blacklight with highlighter...and it was quite a fun filled night. So im walking with vanessa out of the room and the door next to Chewey's opens...and guess who walks out. My ex boyfriend Rich, pretty stoned off his ass. He gave me a half assed hug, and we said our hellos and awkward "how are yous?" and went back into the party... And honestly, I don't really remember the rest of the sequence of the evening, but me and rich kept bumping into each other, to the point where we started to have a highlighter war and started smearing highlighter all over each other...and somehow we ended up alone in the hallway fighting over a 2 dollar highlighter and wrestling each other to the ground, and finally calling a truce. And then, somehow, to make a long story short...we started to kiss. And all these feelings I had been concealing from myself came back, and I was the happiest I've been in the longest time.  So to shorten the story of the rest of the night, we hung out with the brothers for a bit, and eventually retired to his room where we spent the night together and were up till 7am talking and such...and I told him I still loved him. And he said the exact same thing. The next day consisted of a city adventure with Vanessa, and another night on the theta chi floor, including hanging with Rich's lil brother who I absolutely adore, and it was nice to be able to give him advice on pledging...makes me feel older and maturer...and later that night was another late evening of staying up with each other till 5am in the TKS lounge. Then the day after, it was the theta chi lounge stoned off our asses, and his room, and then monday night...the theta chi lounge for some 3 hours of the most passionate, amazing, and best sex I've ever had in my life...and with the most important person to me in my life.  And I never wanted to leave. This weekend made me realize a few things: 1. How much I truly do love him, 2. how much I missed wagner-the people, the greek life, and the entire atmosphere and 3. how much wagner has turned into my second home...and how truly amazing my year there was. It seriously felt like I wasn't just visiting, and that I was still going there, and that I could just go up and see my baby whenever I wanted to, and spend time with some of the most important and amazing people I've ever met. It was the hardest thing to leave, and to know that the next time I get to go back will not be soon enough... But it was the best weekend ever. I finally found that closure with rich that I have been craving since july, and I finally was able to admitt my exact feelings about him, and how amazing special he is to me. So what could possibly go wrong right? So tonight, I'm sitting in my room after a long day of classes, and after rich and I had already had a few amazing conversations about how much we care and love each other, and everything was the way it should be, and I was in the best mood ive been in since before I came here... and then, it all goes to shit. Turns out, Adam, one of my friends from wagner who I had visited in my weekend endeavors...decided to tell rich something I said about him, and something that rich had told me about adam in confidence...and I get a nice little IM from Rich calling me out for what I had said. And all I know is I feel absolutely awful. I know how much what I said hurt him, and I cannot understand why I have to go and fuck up everything that we fixed this weekend. He is very angry with me, more because I had told Adam something Rich said about him in confidence to me, and Adam told Rich that I had told him. My first thought was to kill adam...I was so utterly upset that he would say what I told him in confidence to Rich, even after I told him to leave Rich alone because it was just not a good idea. So I call Adam to scream at him for fucking things up... and then I realize that as much as Adam shouldn't have said anything to Rich in the first place, and he went against my wishes in opening his mouth about something he promised to never say.... I was the one who told adam what I did in the first place, and as much as I hate admitting it, it was really me who is at fault for all of this. And it always is... No matter what I do, and no matter how hard I try...I always end up hurting those who are most important to me. And it sucks...I feel so awful. Beyond awful. This weekend was so amazing, and I had to be utterly stupid and say something without thinking again...and Rich has had to put up with this bullshit from me before... and I don't understand why I had to go and fuck everything up...and I'm beyond pissed at myself for saying something. Everything was perfect, I had my baby back in my life, and now I do something AGAIN without thinking... and I could lose this forever. and I feel so fucking stupid. I wish I didn't continue to hurt him, and I wish I had never said anything... but I refuse to deny the fact that I made a huge mistake, and I have repeatively made them. And all I can do is apologize for being such an immature bitch about everything, and hope for the best. To Rich: I am sorry for continuing to make you doubt if I am trustworthy, and I cannot apologize enough for what I did, and what I said. There really is no excuse, and I'll be the first to admitt that I have made another huge mistake. And I know it seems like I continue to do so. To tell you the truth, I am doing the best I can, and I am a human being...and all I can do is realize my mistake, apologize to you for being fucking stupid and for hurting you again, and try to learn from my mistakes. And I know it seems like I haven't learned a thing from the past...but if you could only know how much I truly have learned And I apologize for having to learn my mistakes through my encounters with you. All I can do is say how much I truly love and care about you...and apologize again for being a stupid bitch. I never intended to ever hurt you, and I feel beyond awful for doing so because of me not thinking before acting and speaking. If I could rewind the clock, I would never have said one word...and all I can do is promise to do whatever I can to never let anything like this happen again. I have learned my lesson...and I do not want to lose what I have with you because of my stupidity. Just know that I love you...more than I could ever even put into words. Thank you so much for everything you have shared with me, and continue to share with me, and for everything you have taught me about myself and about love. Without you, I would be a completely different person...and as much as I have fucked up in my dealings with you, I hope we can move forward... I fucked up, again. And you never deserved this. All you have done is completly bend over backwards for me on multiple occasions... and please understand how awful I feel for having betrayed your trust and for hurting you. It was never my intention...and I am slowly but surely working to get to a point where I never act or say something without thinking about it's repurcusions...and this is why I am glad I am single...not because I don't want to be with you, but I there is so much I still have to learn about myself, and why I completely fuck up sometimes...and how I can change that about myself... I am so sorry baby...I can't say that enough. You don't deserve half the shit I've put you thru in the past... And all I can do is realize my mistake, and do my best to alleviate it. Just know I never intended to hurt you...and as much as there is nothing I really can do to make this situation better, know I understand that I messed up, and I am willing to do what I can to make sure I never do that to you again. I love you...and I hope for the best. Please accept my apology. <3amelia This whole sitaution has proved to me that I really have alot to learn about myself...and I am nothing but willing to fix these certain aspects of myself. It will be hard, but I refuse to hurt another person because of a flaw of my own that has nothing to do with them. I feel nothing but terrible, and all I can do is move on...and learn from my mistakes. Hoping for the best, and living in the memories of this amazing weekend. All I know is the love I have for you, and what I need to change about myself in order to keep that love alive. Thank you for always being there for me...even when I fuck up like this. you're still the one...<3 1 comment|post comment

arrrrrrrggghhh [10 Oct 2005|10:21am] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | Becka's Snoring ] There is bullshit... ...and then there is Jake Eavey's bullshit. and yes there is a difference... his bullshit is beyond fathomable ridiculousness. thank you jake for not being mature enough to face you exgirlfriend and for not even having the human decency to give her her favorite ring back. you're acting like more of a woman every day and you're unsurpassed immaturity and rudeness shock me every day this drags out... stop playing games, and act like a human being. Thanks. I don't know what I ever did to deserve this shit but apparently god has it in for me this month... all I can do is hope that he realizes how fucking stupid he's being... and gives me my stuff back. hindsight= 20/20 right now if he ever wants to earn my trust again...he'll have to do ALOT of shit. but apparently everything I hear is true, and I'm sick of making excuses for him. And a warning to anyone reading this... don't ever break a promise. If you do, you'll probably never ever gain my trust again. And you can thank assholes like jake for that. But I can no longer take bullshit from anyone... and I am no longer going to continually forgive. If you fuck up, better be prepared for the consequences of your actions. and know they are coming... We'll see how he feels when I throw his shit at him after rehearsal and walk away...maybe then he'll get it. And maybe I am a bit jaded... but I refuse to be walked over like nothing I do matters to him. and if the only thing I get from his is a lesson learned consider it learned... I'm so fucking pissed I could scream. thank you jake for all the bullshit you've put me through and for your immature, selfish, and rude behavior. you're complete disconcern for other people's feelings never ceases to impress me. And thanks for wasting the last 2 months of my life... when I'm on my deathbed, I'll be wishing back all the time, energy, and love I wasted on you. signed, amelia suzanne nemeth and you know I'm serious when I use my full name. Gah! 2 comments|post comment

lost once again [05 Oct 2005|12:41am] [ mood | sore ] [ music | "And So it Goes" Billy Joel ] So I'm not really sure how to feel right now...before I was completely justified in being just friends with my darling jacob. But now I'm not so sure...I know it's the best thing to do, but I'm lost. I'm so fucking lost... and yet again, I'm sitting here feeling like utter crap and just wishing everything will fix itself while I sleep and I could wake up knowing exactly what to do, how to feel, and why I need to feel it...but right now...I have NO IDEA! I ran into him finally...and he asked me to walk and talk to him. And he assured me that he truly does still care for me, and that he's been really busy with frat things, and etc etc. But as much as it was nice to know that I wasn't just another scratch on his wall...it leaves me completely abandoned in my confusion. If i was just one scratch on his wall, I'd know exactly how to act, exactly how to feel, and I'd be completely content never seeing his face again. But knowing I mean something to him makes me not quite sure where to go from here. Part of me wants to wait for him to take care of his own thing and wait for him to come back...but the other half of me knows how stupid that is to do. There is no guarentee either way I look at it. Who knows if we'll ever be together again, and me sitting around waiting for something that will never come around to actually come around is just wasting my time, and wasting my feelings on him, while I could be using them on someone who actually is appreciative and derserving. But at the same time...there is a part of me who feels that we are and won't be done with each other for a while. The things we've been thru with each other are too much to just leave behind without a second glance... but if all I do is hope...there is no room for action. And this is my predicament...and I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure. I have to treat this like it's over forever, as difficult and upsetting as it is for me to do...but it's the only way I can look at it. For example: tonight I was supposed to go over Jake's to hang out and get my stuff...but he called last minute to tell me he had a frat thing to do...and it would be a lie if I said I wasn't disapointed or upset. To tell you the truth, I had the entire evening planned out...even what I was going to say, what I was going to wear, and what we were going to do. And I need to stop doing that to myself. My expectations are not what I'm going to get in result...at least not now. And there is no way I will be able to be truly single or independant if all I am doing is hoping that we will eventually get back together. It's everything I want, but I can't have it...and I need to get used to this idea. I love him, but I cannot allow myself to act on it. Things will get easier with time, but expecting us to get back together is only setting myself up for failure...and for more hurt in my life than I need at all. I'm also beating myself up for expecting too much from him...and that sucks too. I love him, but he isn't my boyfriend anymore...I can't expect him to give into his feelings or spend time with me anymore. So me expecting this is stupid, and I need to learn that he is finished with me until he proves otherwise... and right now, all he is doing is being himself...without me. And that is fine, that's exactly what he needs to do. But I can't make it seem to myself like he's breaking promises to me, because he isn't...I can't expect anything, and I can't believe that everything between us will happen again. Because, as far as I need to know...we are finished with each other. I can't create these situations or promises where he is continuously letting me down, because he isn't letting me down...he's only letting my preconcieved expectations down. And they shouldn't be there in the first place. And I know this is exactly what I need right now...to be single, and free from ties to anyone. And who know's...maybe we'll be together someday. But there is no guarentee for us, and I can't expect there to be one. We are finished until he shows that he wants to be us again... and I'm guessing he never will want us to be us again... because all this blind hope is really killing my happiness. I can't expect everything to be perfect...because life isn't. And there is a good lesson in this. All I can do, in order to keep myself from being hurt, and to keep myself moving each day forward without being haunted by him is expect him to never have interest in me again... because if I expect the worst, then when something better than the worst happens, I will be happy, and not disapointed...and if the worst happens...I'll be ready for it. All I can do is expect the absolute worst to happen ...while hoping for the best... I know how I feel, and I know what I must do. They may not exactly match up, but everything happens for a reason...and this may open new doors for me I never even thought possible. I have total faith that everything will work out exactly how it needs to be...even if it wasn't exactly what I was expecting or wanting at first... but just as before...it may not have been what I wanted at the time... but it was exactly what I needed to happen for me in my life... and that's all that really matters. 3 comments|post comment

bad bad bad day [29 Sep 2005|03:08pm] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | "Black Balloon" Goo Goo Dolls ] Could this day get any worse? Seriously, how about one of you just run my sister over with a car and shoot my dog at point blank range...at this point I probably wouldnt even notice. yeah, that's been my day. actually its been this week. I woke up this morning after having the worst series of dreams I think I've ever had. Honestly! One dream I remember was about me auditioning for directing projects here, and the auditioner was Lauri Young, the music director of the theatre program from Wagner of all people(who is a complete and total bitch). And I couldn't sing, and I was totally off, and she completely ripped me a new one...and I walked out of the audition crying. And another dream was about Jake fucking some slut and rubbing it in my face...I swear to god, when I woke up all I wanted to do was roll over and not go to ONE class today. But being the amazingly positive person i am, I forced my aching and sore body out of bed and got ready for ballet class. That class was alright, I actually thought things would go my way today. So then I get to lighting, and its boring as all hell, and he started to talk about the midterm we have in 2 weeks...which supposidly is the HARDEST piece of bullshit EVER, and I am not looking forward it at all. So still being positive, I go to lunch which was fun...and then I went to piano class, which sucked the gay out of liberaci's ass, and I couldn't play anything right, and all I wanted to do was go home and sleep for the next 5 hours. So then I hear the cast lists for the directing projects are up. And so i go to look thinking that maybe since I had a great dream about getting cast in the kids show and didnt get cast, that maybe I had a chance... and I didn't get cast...in anything. SERIOUSLY WILL I EVER GET TO PERFORM IN A SHOW??? I am so fucking frustrated I am going to scream. I am sick and tired of being looked over for these fucking idiots who cannot even read theyre scripts correctly, and cannot act their way out of a paper bag. I am sorry I'm new here, but I know I can do well...if I am at least given a chance...which obviously I AM NOT! And all these seniors and juniors got cast, which isnt really fair for us underclassman...especially when everyone who got cast in the projects either is in the musical or the kids show...and it's not fair. Give the ones of us who aren't in 5 productions already a chance to perform, instead of casting those who are the fucking title role in Sweeny Todd. Seriously. It sucks. I'm so fucking stir crazy...I have nothing to keep my time occupied, and all I want to do is perform. And I can't. And I want to cry. I wanna cry...I put my all into everything I do here and it gets chucked back into my face. I thought maybe things would be different when I'm a major here, but I guess it's not. I seriously don't know if I can take it anymore. I'm constantly overlooked, and underappreciated for who I am, and for my talents...and I want to scream. And I kicked ass at auditions...it's not fair. This is the first time in a long time that I am doubting the fact that I want this career. I'm so fucking sick of rejection and being demeaned and being told I'm not good enough. I love theatre, but I can't stand this bullshit. And on top of it, my life is going to shit. My body aches, my heart is completely broken, and all I can do is sit there and watch everything go wrong. Can something else go wrong today?? Seriously. I can't get jake out of my head...and it hurts so much. And I'm pretty sure tonight I'll have to go over there and give him back his stuff. And I am NOT looking forward to this. All I want to do is hold him, and have him as a part of my life...but I can't. And it hurts so much...beyond words. Serves me right to fall in love with the one guy on campus who is afraid of comittment...and oh yea, is a total man whore. I'm sure in like 2 weeks he'll be walking down the sidewalk chasing after another sleezy bitch, and it will fucking destroy me. I know this. All I want to do is erase today...actually this entire week. I want to go to sleep and wake up and have everything fixed and have it be all okay. And it won't be. And it hurts so much. I can't handle much more this week. Everywhere I go is a constant reminder of how everything has gone wrong...and I'm so fucking frustrated, pissed off, depressed, tired, achy, and sad that I just want to hide in my room. and I have choir in 30 minutes, and all she is going to do is bitch at us for 2 straight hours. Maybe I won't sing...I think that sounds in order. I'm not having much strength to go on...and I am in serious need of SOMETHING going right in my life right now. I would write more, but my brain is gone...and I am going to go cry on my bed. Fuck this day, fuck my ex boyfriend, fuck my life, and fuck me for caring so much... I wish I didn't care at all...but it's one of my faults, and I can't help it. I want everything to be right again so bad it kills me...this whole week is killing me, and all I want to do is go home... 2 comments|post comment

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